


may death find you alive

by queencerseitargaryen



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex is depressed because he blames himself for everythin, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Disabled Character of Color, John just wants his baby girl to be happy somehow, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 20:51:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6922924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queencerseitargaryen/pseuds/queencerseitargaryen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He couldn't save his mother, he couldn't save John's leg, and now he can't save himself? It seemed like a fitting ending for someone who has only even taken and never given, for someone who was never as good as he claimed. Alexander Hamilton; a failure, a fraud, a fake.</i>
</p><p>Alex sits on a roof in New York City, and John drives by at the right moment. </p><p>(could be incredibly triggering to some people)</p>
            </blockquote>





	may death find you alive

**Author's Note:**

> i take no responsibility for any feelings caused by this (unless you need to talk to someone because you feel the same as alex then shout at me for days on tumblr)
> 
> i'm sorry for being an incredibly sad angsty person, i can write some porn to make up for this.

_when you're gone, who remembers your name?_

Alexander was numb, in all sense of the word. He had stopped his heart from feeling and the frost bit into his fingers, the cold of New York City in January stilling his blood. 

Alexander felt dead, so why not just make his body feel the same as his mind? He kept his feet over the edge, swinging them and kicking at the bricks, sending small bits of plaster dust floating toward the ground. At least they can just fly away, maybe if Alexander could fly away he could keep his life. 

Alexander was trying so hard to just die already, but the pills weren't working and bleeding kept stopping. He wanted to sleep and roll off the ledge he perched on, to create the illusion of leaving this world peacefully like his mother had. Speaking of, he'd get to see his mother again, Alexander's wanted her warmth and wisdom the years of childhood taken because of a cruel, twisted sickness. If the sickness had of took him then, he wouldn't he here to die now and it wouldn't all be his fault and he wouldn't feel useless. 

He couldn't save his mother, he couldn't save John's leg, and now he can't save himself? It seemed like a fitting ending for someone who has only even taken and never given, for someone who was never as good as he claimed. Alexander Hamilton; a failure, a fraud, a fake.

John, his John who he never deserved and the amazing young man he ruined by trying to love him. John couldn't walk because of Alex, John wasn't going to be a doctor because of Alex. Alex had ruined John's life, took everything John held dear, his education, his sisters, his family. All Alexander could ever do is take, it was all he was good for and no one needed another selfish person to take the good from the world. 

Alexander should have let himself drown in the hurricane, let his limp body we carried away by the waves. He shouldn't have let them bring him to America, they should have just left him to fend for himself. A 17 year old could never have survived more than a few month alone on the islands. Especially not after the hurricane, who decided he was to live and ruin the people placed in his path. The friends and family he never deserved. 

George and Martha just wanted a son, not a burden who had nightmares and panic attacks. A son they could be proud of and send to college with a smile. Not Alexander, who managed to send their lives tumbling down in a few months. Draining the Washington's both emotionally and financially, Martha has been so kind and loving when Alex joined them. Now she was paranoid, unable to live her life in peace. George had never had to worry about the next bills, until Alex had come and added therapist costs and hospital bills to their budget with his selfishness. They were his second chance at parents, something very few got and Alexander managed to ruin that. 

Aaron had just wanted a brother, he got Alexander who would fight with him and be his best friend. Aaron had to constantly keep Alexander out of trouble, he had took Aaron's freedom as a young adult. Aaron would trail behind Alex in parties and make sure that Alexander wasn't getting into fights with his words. Aaron had took a black eye or two for his brother. Alexander couldn't forgive himself for doing that to Aaron. Aaron was supposed to be his brother and Alexander had taken that from Aaron. 

Lafayette and Hercules had just wanted a friend in Alexander, nothing more. Instead Alex had become reliant making the two of them deal with his useless panic attacks and mother him because Alexander was stupid and he forgot to sleep and eat. They had to teach Alexander how to be alive. Alexander had managed to screw up having friends, a simple thing that children could do, by being selfish, by thinking that the world had to revolve around him. 

Somehow by being selfish, he had managed to make his world crumble around him. It no longer orbited Alexander, and Alexander couldn't live with no longer being the centee of attention. Alexander hated himself, more than anyone could hate him. 

_who keeps your flame?_

John, he had to stop thinking about John. John wouldn't miss him, or mourn him. John would move on, learn to walk again and have the life Alexander had took away from him with a man who deserved the endless kindness and generosity John had to give the world. 

John, his best friend, his boyfriend, the love of his life. John was the only reason he was grateful he had lived this long. John would calm him with kisses and anchor him with hugs. Then Alex ruined John. 

_"John it's on amber, I can still drive through it." Alexander had explained to John._

_"I know that guy over there doesn't look very forgiving though. Just stop." John was right, he wasn't forgiving, because in thirty seconds he would have ruined John's live when Alexander was responsible._

_"He can't drive through a red light. This light is on amber, I'm going because we should have been there ten minutes ago."_

_He did drive through the red light, straight into John's right leg. Alexander remembers John's scream of pain, and John passing out and the blood that pooled in the footwell of his car._

_"John?? John. J-John?" Alexander had screamed and screamed until a stranger rang 911 for him. He was panicking, he couldn't lose John. He held the limp body in his arms, crying into his soft curls. He had just washed his hair that morning and it still smelled of that strawberry conditioner. Alexander had filled his scent with that, instead of the scent of blood and petrol that filled the air around him._

John's right leg was paralyzed from the middle of his thigh down. Alexander blamed himself. 

John wouldn't wrap his strong arms around Alexander anymore. John distanced himself from everyone and everything, but Alexander thought John was just punishing him. John blamed Alexander as well, he had to? If Alex had of listened to John and stopped at the traffic lights, John would be able to walk and Alexander wouldn't be reaching for his razor again ready to end his pain. 

Alexander was sick of the failed attempts of the day. He wasn't gentle on his wrist this time, he focused on the blue line of his vein and followed it with the blade. Not stopping until the blue line faded into his skin tone. Alex wanted to wince to at the pain, but he deserved it. He deserved to see the crimson liquid drip on to the street below him. Now only if he had the guts to stand up and jump. 

His hand was shaking as he found another vein to cut along. He wasn't in control as he dropped the handle onto the ledge of the roof, it bounced and fell toward the abandoned street. Alexander nearly followed it, until he felt a tear drop from his face. 

He wasn't in control anymore and that scared him. So he began to stretch his legs in front of him and aim them toward the grey, dull concrete below him. Wishing he could feel home before he jumped. 

"Alexander!" A voice from behind him shouted, he sound like John, but he was imagining it. John wouldn't be here for him, John was at his physiotherapy appointment now, trying to undo the damage Alexander had done. 

"Alex! Don't!" Alexander didn't move his legs, but he turned his head slightly to see behind him. He was sure his was imagining the voice of his love. 

When he turned though, there John was in his wheelchair, grasping at the arms of it, if Alex didn't know better he would say John was trying to stand. Alex mouthed 'I'm sorry' and turned back to look at the sky. He couldn't help John anymore , so what was his purpose, all he had done was ruin John. 

Then he heard the sirens wailing on the street below, stopping in front of his building. It was now, and Alex started to lift himself. Then a pair of hands pulled him back, pushing his head into their chest. Alexander knew the smell, his John. John's wheelchair was still over there though without John in it. 

"How?" Alex whimpered. John stroked his hair, and Alex felt safe. If John had walked over to him maybe there was hope. 

"I don't know, I just know I couldn't let you kill yourself." John punctuated his statement with a kiss to Alexander's head. The two of them curling together on the gravel of the roof. Alexander about to fall asleep. 

"Am tired John." 

"Nope, you have to stay awake for five more minutes until the doctors get here." John explained, Alex tried to listen because John was going to be a doctor one day. 

Alex couldn't listen though, he fell into a sleep that was brought on by the blood loss and the drugs. It wasn't an easy sleep, the way he had hurt John plagued his thoughts and if he had the energy he would imagine fits would have come with his nightmares. 

He was jolted away by strange, foreign hands not ten minutes later. "I'm a paramedic, my name is Nathaniel, your boyfriend John says you're called Alexander Hamilton, can I call you Alex or Alexander?"

"Alex, my name is Alex," he managed to croak out, "the pills are over there. Where's John?" 

Alex didn't care where John was though, not now. He fell back into sleep again. Letting the paramedic lift him gently onto a stretcher. 

_who tells your story?_

The next time Alex woke up, his arms were bandaged and two hands enclosed his. He knew who the hands belonged to, he knew the way they felt. John’s hands, you’d think they were soft but over the years of becoming a doctor they were rough, but just enough for them not to hurt Alexander as they swiped across his skin. 

His eyes fluttered open to see John sat across from him, John’s smile was small and filled with happiness. “How do you put up with me John?” Alex sighed, hiding his eyes from John’s gaze. For once he wasn’t joking, he was being serious. 

“First your leg, and now this. How John, you should have walked away while you could?” Alex didn’t realize what he said until it had come out of mouth, of course Alex had meant it metaphorically, but John would take it literally. John couldn’t walk because of Alex now.

“Alex, I do it because however hard I try to convince myself I don’t want to love you, that I can’t love you. I do love you.” John shifted his head until he finally met Alex’s eyes with his own. 

“I know you feel like this is your fault,” John nudged his head toward his leg, “But it’s that idiot’s fault for running a red light, the next time you feel this helpless just tell me. I don’t care if you feel that way because of me. I never want this is happen again, I never want to be scared because I looked out of the car window and saw my boyfriend with his feet dangling over a building. You are indescribable and unique and I wish I had ten of you, but I don’t so I’m not losing the only Alexander I will ever have.”  
“But John, I’m just a burden, another pain in your life. You need to walk again and get your life together, and I can’t be a part of that life cause I’ll ruin it again.”

“I’m not having any life without you Alexander Hamilton. I’ll learn to walk again and I want you to hold my hand and catch me when I fall over, because I know you’ll pick me up.” John leaned down and kissed Alex’s hand. Alexander then overcome the pain in his stomach and sat himself up, freeing a hand to reach out and touch John’s face. He ran his thumb across the freckles that accented John’s cheekbones. 

“When did you become so good with words, I thought it was my job to completely crumble you with paragraphs. I love you John, and I’m pretty glad you put up with me because you are everything. You’re beautiful and passionate and I’ve never met anyone as perfect as you. When did you make me so emotional John?” Alex laughed a little, relishing the little happiness he always managed to carve out with John. John could have carved him happiness on that roof if Alexander had of let him. He pulled John’s face to his, and pressed their lips together lightly, it was barely more than a touch of lips, but it’s all they had the energy for. Alex wanted to deepen the kiss, but he didn’t want to ruin the moment. Anyway, if John was right and he wanted Alexander in his life, they had time to deepen their kisses somewhere that wasn’t the hospital. 

They heard the door open, but they didn’t disconnect their foreheads, their gazes stay locked on one another. Looking everywhere but at the doctor who had just entered the room.

“You’re awake Alexander. You’ll be glad to know we can discharge you as soon as you have a quick talk with one of our psychologists. I hope you’ve thanked your boyfriend, he hasn’t left you since you came in here 2 days ago,” The doctor looked to John and then to Alex, “I know between the two of you, you probably think the world is against you, but the department working on John’s leg are making incredible progress and you Alexander are going to be fine. I think your boyfriend is going to make sure of that. I’ll leave you guys too it, the psychologist will be here in a few hours. After that, you’re free to go home. We’ve had plenty of calls from you family.”

Maybe Alexander did have something to live for, and maybe people did need him. He had been a little selfish in trying to take his life, but at least it had made him see the light. He should have known that John would save him. He always did. They had been best friends, then fuckbuddies, then they decided that they would trying dating, finally it clicked that they loved each other with their entire souls. They laughed over the fact they had done it all in the wrong order. 

“I’m never going to do that again John, I want to live. With you, because I love you so much, and I want to see you become a doctor and run around the park with our children. Stay with me and I promise to never do that to you again. I’m sorry.” Alexander had begun to ramble, so John shushed him by connecting their lips again, a bit deeper than before but still chaste enough. 

Alexander had lied about that, John had found Alex with cut wrists and empty pill bottles beside him at least twice more, but never with the intention of death anymore. Alexander just need to figure out how to talk to John, because yes he was good with words, but John managed to crumble his brain to the point where all he whispered was John’s name.

**Author's Note:**

> shout at me on [tumblr](http://kingroanofazgeda.co.vu/)
> 
> i don't know what came over me when writing this, i tried to redeem this with a happy ending.
> 
> fun fact: i'm british so the car crash scene nearly made no sense until i re read this and changed which leg was paralyzed because i realised the american passenger side is our driver side.
> 
> I also forgot to add that the title is from the song uma thurman by fall out boy


End file.
